On Being a Stepmom (Take One)

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Bri.  

Born and raised in Portland, Oregon (A.K.A. the best place on Earth.)

I moved to Boise, Idaho with my parents in the early 2000's, where I finished high school and 1 1/2 years of college, studying Pre-Med.  Then I realized "Shit, I don't know what I want to do with my life."  So, I'm taking a break.  A well-deserved one, dammit.  

During this break, I've grown and changed as a person more than I ever dreamed possible.  I went through a few relationships (which I'm glad are in the past) worked a few full time jobs and learned what it's like to pay all of my own bills.  And let me tell you, nothing will make you appreciate what your parents have done for you until you have to pay for everything in life by yourself!  

The break from college has also included meeting (and marrying) my husband, Johnny.  Having both just come out of terrible, dead end relationships, I honestly didn't expect it to go anywhere.  But here we are almost two years later, happily married with a baby on the way.

We got married on August 10th, 2012 in Boise.

They say you'll "just know" when you've found "The One".  And they're right.  We both knew pretty much right away that we were meant to be together.  To quote Rascal Flatts:

"God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

(Which is our song, bee-tee-dub)

I'm one of the lucky few who is married to her best friend.  He is my partner in crime, I trust him with my life, and we make each other laugh every day.  I legitimately don't think that love like ours really exists in very many places, and I'm so blessed to have met him.  

I'm also blessed to have an amazing stepson, named Paxon.

  He just turned two, which we celebrated by taking him to the Woodland Park Zoo here in Seattle.  

Being a stepmom has brought a whole slew of challenges, none of which were caused by Paxon.  I love him like he's my own, and that will never change.  He's about to have a little brother, coming to a hospital near you in September 2013!

The worst thing to have to witness, is to see lies being spread about someone you love more than anything.  My husband went to hell and back, fighting to be a part of his son's life.  How it wasn't OBVIOUS that a child needs a loving father in his life is still lost on me.  Especially when Johnny was working 60 hour work weeks to support his child, and missing out on valuable time that he should have been allowed to spend with his son.

On top of everything, NEWSFLASH LADIES:

If your baby daddy pays child support, is begging to be able to see his son, spending THOUSANDS upon thousands of dollars in court to negotiate custody, and drives several hours to only see his baby for a few hours every week....

DO NOT call him "sperm donor".  

Yes, in scientific terms, this is completely correct.  Johnny is a sperm donor with Paxon, as he is with our son.  And I'm an egg donor.

But let's get very, very real for a minute.  The term "sperm donor" should be reserved for those men who skip out on their responsibilities and want nothing to do with their kids.  The men who don't even try to do any of the things I mentioned above.

This, for me, has been the hardest part about being a stepmom.  Seeing my husband go through hell just to be allowed to see his son (and still not even close to as much time as Paxon should get to spend with his dad)

I'm just so incredibly thankful that my son will get to grow up in such a healthy, stable and whole environment.  Plus, who wants to be a single parent?!  Crazy people, that's who.  I'm blessed to be sharing this experience with the person I love most in the world.

As a stepmom, the one thing I have to be thankful for is the fact that I am comfortable in my own skin, and completely fine with the fact that Paxon isn't my biological child.  I love him just as much, and I care about him very deeply. Not everyone has to understand it, it's only mine to understand.  I CHOSE to love him like my own son.  And that's a bond that no one can break, no matter how hard they try.  

(Look at those chubby little cheeks!)

Being a stepmom will always be a challenge, as Paxon grows up and wonders why his biological parents aren't together.  Many step-parents wonder where they fall within that process.  

"Well, it's not your responsibility to worry about that"

"It's none of your business, just stay out of it"

The above quotes are subject to serious opinion-based thought.  

It IS my responsibility.  Why?  Because of the choice I made to love Paxon, and my desire to be a part of his life (even though I didn't carry him around for 9 months).

And, reality check.  It is also my business.  Sure, I'm not either party responsible for his existence.  But I'm married to his father.  And Paxon is a huge part of our family.  Shit, we moved our entire lives from Boise to Seattle simply so that Johnny could have a better relationship with his son.  How many dads do YOU know who have done that?  And how many step-moms do you know who have also moved to be closer to their step-child?  I'll bet anything, you could count them on one hand.  

Was it worth it, you may ask?

You really cannot put a price on a child having a happy house to come to (even if it is less often than he should be able to) and a safe, soothing environment.  Paxon is going to look back in 20 years and know how much his father loves and cares about him.  And he's going to know that I love and care about him, too.  Nothing can take that power away from us!  :)

Love is such an incredible thing.

And our life is full of it.  

Will Paxon call me "mom"?  

Probably not, and that's fine.  I'm not his biological mother, and I don't expect him to.

Does it really matter?

Nope.  It sure doesn't.  Because we have a special bond, a chosen bond.

He knows it, and I know it.

And that's the most beautiful and irreplaceable thing in the world.